The One Skill That Can Fix Your Marriage

Why Do We Keep Falling Into the Same Old Patterns?

“I’m not even sure how it started, but before I knew it we were yelling at each other again,” I could feel Mike and Joanna’s frustration. They wanted so badly for things to change, to improve their communication, but they kept falling into the same old patterns. In my office they were learning and using all the skills. They were calmly expressing needs, learning to listen with empathy, etc. Outside of my office it was another story. The second one got triggered, they reacted, then the other one reacted to that until they were exhausted and they would end up withdrawing from each other for sometimes days. Whatever skills they were learning in my office felt like they were going out the window. Why? Because you can have all the tools but if you don’t master the first one, you won’t be able to use the others..

Wise Adult vs. Adaptive Child

The first skill to master is getting into your “wise adult mind.” It’s the skill of recognizing and then controlling our own automatic responses. Think of it as 1st consciousness and 2nd consciousness. 1st consciousness is our initial response when our partner says or does something that triggers us. It’s the “whoosh” that takes over our body. It usually comes from our childhood, it’s visceral, and compulsive - I must do this or the world will fall apart. The reaction always falls into one of three categories - fight, flight or fix. More specifically, the reaction also typically falls into 5 categories of losing strategies: being right, controlling, unbridled self expression, retaliation, withdrawal. You can read more about those here: https://www.jodierindecounseling.com/blog/5-fighting-strategies-that-are-hurting-your-marriage. It’s the reaction of our adaptive child. Your adaptive child does not care about using any relational skills, so it’s imperative that you learn how to get into your wise adult mind.

Our wise adult, on the other hand, is more centered and is able to slow down and use all the great communication skills we know will benefit our relationships. Getting into our wise adult is difficult and takes practice, but it’s the first step and the first skill to learn before all others. Most of us have gone years getting automatically triggered. We live a lot of our lives in our adaptive child and don’t even realize we’re there. Getting into our wise adult is a learned response, not a knee-jerk reaction. As most of my clients come to realize, our initial, 1st consciousness, adaptive child response was adaptive when we were kids. It’s the strategy we cobbled together to survive in our particular home with our particular family, or neighborhood, or school. The problem is that it becomes incredibly maladaptive when we’re adults.

Adaptive Child Wise Adult

Either/Or Nuanced

Perfectionistic Realistic

Relentless Forgiving

Rigid Flexible

Harsh Warm

Hard Yielding

Certain Humble

Tight in body Relaxed in body

Short term thinker Long term thinker

Looking at the chart above, it’s easy to see how our adaptive child could get us into trouble in our relationship. It’s much better for a relationship to be realistic rather than perfectionistic or flexible rather than rigid. Take a moment to think about yourself. What do you do when you’re triggered? Do you fight, flee (shut down or leave), or fix (compulsively try to make things better to feel close to your partner again)? I’ll go first…my go-to is usually to fix or fawn. When I sense my partner is not happy with me, my adaptive child goes into panic mode. I desperately need to re-establish that connection and so will do anything to make things better. If that doesn’t work, I shut down. Neither of these maladaptive “stances” help create the intimacy and connection we all crave. Only from my wise mind can I achieve those things.

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Getting into your wise mind

The first step is to begin to notice when you’re in your adaptive child. What are your triggers? What do you do? Notice when you’re in your wise mind, when you feel grounded and able to have a calm conversation. Notice the difference between the two, notice how they each feel in your body. Clients have described their adaptive child as feeling jumpy or desperate or angry. They’ve described the feeling of being in their wise mind, on the other hand, as calm, relaxed, centered. What do you feel? Only when you can recognize when you’ve gone offline into your adaptive child will you be able to make any changes.

Tame your adaptive child reactions

Once you can notice the difference and notice that you’re in your adaptive child then you can make a plan. This may take some experimenting. Remember, the goal is to calm your nervous system and bring you back into your wise adult mind. Some people can just take a few deep breaths to bring them back into wise adult mind, others have developed strategies like squeezing their fists or thighs to bring them back and calm their nervous system. Others announce it to their partners, sometimes simply labeling it can bring you back. Oftentimes the best strategy is to take a break or a responsible timeout, especially if one or both of you have a history of flaring. It’s vital, however, that certain rules are followed when requesting a timeout in order to avoid triggering your partner’s abandonment wound and creating more damage.

Take a responsible timeout

Discuss and agree upon these rules when you and your partner are in a good, calm state (in your wise adult minds).
Agree upon a signal that says, “I’m about to lose it and need to take a timeout because I love you and don’t want to damage us.” Remember, calling a timeout is unilateral - you don’t both have to agree, but you do have to honor it.
Default time for a timeout is 20 minutes.
Go to separate places.
Do not ruminate on the argument as that will only activate you more. Take the time to bring your nervous system back down in a way that works for you (play a game on your phone, meditate, splash cold water on your face, listen to music).
Check in with your partner after the 20 minutes either in person or over the phone. If you are still activated, request more time but always come back at the agreed upon time. This is the most important part!
Do not discuss the issue that led to the fight for 24 hours.

Do You Want to Be Right or Married?

My wise, long-married mother always said, “You can be right or you can be married.” Unfortunately, if you asked your adaptive child which they’d prefer, they would absolutely say they want to be right at all cost. We’ve all felt that in the heat of the moment, but the problem is the cost is huge. Once your immature parts take over, your goal of intimacy and connection has been completely hijacked. If this pattern continues it can destroy trust and intimacy over time and leave couples feeling frustrated, confused, and hopeless. At its worst, it can even lead to verbal or physical abuse.

It’s not easy to recognize and tame your adaptive child, but it is the one skill that will be the biggest game-changer. If you need help identifying and changing this pattern, please reach out to my office today.