RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING
SOMETIMES WE HAVE RELATIONSHIP ISSUES THAT WE NEED TO ADDRESS ALONE
Is your spouse unwilling to come to therapy?
Are you unhappy in your marriage and trying to decide whether to stay or go?
Are you recovering from a divorce and overwhelmed by your new normal?
Are you tired of repeating the same patterns in every relationship?
Are you traumatized by an affair?
Relationships can be the source of so much joy and also so much heartache. When the balance starts to tip and it feels like your relationship starts to become more heartache, it can be scary and hard to know what to do. You can easily spend years in limbo, paralyzed by the enormity of what’s happening. You’re not crazy, the decision is a big one! Sometimes you keep it to yourself because you want to have the time and space to figure it out without your partner’s emotions confusing you even more. Other times, you might want your partner to get help with you but they won’t. In that case you may just have to figure this out on your own for now.
Maybe you’re already going through a divorce or break up and trying to heal and move forward. In the beginning it can feel chaotic and scary. What is your life and future even going to look like and how are you going to get there? Eventually it might make sense to look at what got you here. Does it feel like you pick the same person over and over? Do you question what your role was in your relationship problems? Have you stopped trusting your own judgment?
It can feel overwhelming to decide what to do in your marriage, to try to have a healthier relationship, or to process and move forward after a divorce. You don’t have to do it alone.
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS FEEL BIG BECAUSE THEY ARE
Clients often tell me they feel funny spending so much time talking about their marriage or relationship, but the truth is it is the most important thing you can talk about because nothing has a bigger effect on our quality of life than the quality of our intimate relationship. There is so much research out there about what makes us happy and it is clear that good, connected relationships and marriage, in particular, are the biggest predictors of happiness and are consistently associated with better health and a longer life. Being married to your best friend, by the way, increases those benefits.
Doing the work by yourself, whether that’s to decide whether to stay in your marriage, or to process and gain support going through a breakup, or to make changes on your own to make your marriage healthier can finally lead to that healthy relationship you deserve. We’ve all heard the statistic that about 50% of marriages end in divorce but did you know that the percentages are even higher in second marriages? This is partly because most people don’t take the time to understand what didn’t work in the first marriage and are bound to repeat the same things again. Furthermore, it’s also possible that if you do the work on yourself you can avoid divorce in the first place. After all, the only behavior we can ultimately control is our own.
INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING CAN PUT AN END TO THE CHAOS AND CONFUSION
Together we can look at what’s going on in your current relationship. We can explore your past and identify what coping strategies you may have brought into the marriage. All coping strategies work until they don’t. If you’re contemplating divorce, we can explore what got you to this point and what your contributions are. Every couple co-creates a dance. Sometimes if you change your moves in the dance you’re doing with your spouse, the dance can’t continue in the same way. We can speak honestly about the pros and cons. Divorce is a huge decision with repercussions that last a lifetime. It is almost never an emergency.
If you’re recovering from a divorce or break up, therapy can be a safe place to grieve. There is so much loss involved in divorce - the loss of the future you imagined, the loss of an intact family, the loss of your identity as a husband or wife. I can support you in slowly creating a new identity and new meaning. You may need support in single parenting or learning how to co-parent. You may need support in re-inventing yourself, going back to work, or starting to date again. There’s a lot to get used to in this new normal.
Some people notice (especially after a devastating breakup) they are repeating the same patterns over and over. It can be really easy to blame the other person, but maybe you’re beginning to realize that you are the common denominator. You wouldn’t be the first person to notice that you somehow keep picking the same person even if they looked and acted completely different in the beginning. These patterns can be identified and you can learn and practice new behaviors that can finally lead to that healthy, connected relationship with the person who is right for you.
YOU MIGHT STILL HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING
IS MY MARRIAGE DOOMED IF MY SPOUSE WON’T COME TO THERAPY?
No, there is so much work we can do individually. Together we can identify the negative patterns you’ve gotten into and I can help you change your part and/or communicate with your partner in a more effective way. It only takes one partner to change their moves and the entire dance will change. If it becomes clear that to really progress your partner needs to participate in either couples counseling or discernment counseling, I can also help you to communicate that in a less threatening, more productive way.
I’M AFRAID YOU’LL TELL ME TO LEAVE MY SPOUSE
Because I am a trained couples and Discernment counselor, I am very careful to stay neutral. I can help you look at your options and gain clarity about what got you to the point that you might be considering leaving and even what your contributions have been. What I will never do, however, is offer advice or tell you what you should do. This is your life, your relationship, your family. Nobody knows what it’s like to be in your life. My job is to help you clear up the haze and confusion so that you can have more confidence in whatever decision you make.
WHAT IF I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE?
Some people feel they want to be alone forever and others just want to take some time alone so they have a better chance at having a healthy relationship next time. I can help you with either. You may want to figure out what makes you happy after years of being part of a couple and worrying about everyone else’s happiness. You may want to take time to process what went wrong in a relationship and your part in it so you don’t repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship. Either goal is perfect for relationship counseling.
THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE AND I DON’T HAVE TIME RIGHT NOW
Therapy is an investment both in time and money, but there is a lot at stake. Your happiness and health literally depend on the quality of your relationships. Individual relationship therapy can ultimately enable you to have a fulfilling relationship that will bring all of the happiness and health benefits discussed earlier - whether that is in your current relationship or a healthy one in the future. Additionally, individual sessions can also be done via Telehealth if that fits into your busy schedule easier.
READY TO STEP OUT OF THE CONFUSION AND FIND PEACE IN A CONNECTED RELATIONSHIP OR BY YOURSELF?
You deserve happiness, peace and connection. Reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to find out how individual relationship therapy can help.