Discernment Counseling
ARE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE THINKING OF DIVORCE?
Is your marriage on the verge?
Are you in two different places where one wants to stay and the other thinking of going?
Do you or your spouse feel the problems might be too far gone?
Have you done couples counseling that didn’t work?
Is an affair adding to the confusion?
It can feel scary and overwhelming to realize you’ve gotten to the point where you or your spouse are considering divorce. There are so many things to consider…the kids, finances, living situations, being alone, possibly an affair partner. The list goes on and on and it can make your head spin. Only two things seem certain: one, that couples therapy doesn’t feel like it’s going to help and two, that you don’t want to make the wrong decision
Confusion surrounding divorce is common
You are not alone. A recent study showed that 25% of married people have contemplated divorce. Less known is that research shows that many divorcing people aren’t sure they want the marriage to end even once the divorce process has begun. In fact, about 25% of divorcing parents believed their marriage could be saved and half of divorced individuals surveyed wished they’d worked harder on their marriage to avoid divorce. The truth is a marriage isn’t over until it’s over and if you’re reading this, it’s not necessarily over. Discernment Counseling is your chance to slow down and look at your options with someone specifically trained to help you do this.
Discernment Counseling Goals are Not Couples Therapy Goals
The goal of Discernment Counseling is not to fix the marriage, but rather to gain confidence and clarity about the future of the relationship by understanding what’s happened in the marriage and each person’s individual contributions. We don’t try to solve your problems, but to see if they could be solvable. It is an empirically studied approach that feels more like coaching than therapy.
Discernment Counseling is short term, just one to five sessions. You only commit to one session at a time and decide whether you want to return at the end of each session. While you come in together, most of the session is actually spent with me individually where we will explore how you got here with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at this moment and what your contribution has been. I know you’re both in pain and so this is a safe space where there are no bad guys and no good guys.
Get unstuck with Discernment Counseling
During our time together, we’ll be exploring 3 paths in a structured and compassionate way - keeping things as is, divorce or separation, or committing to 6 months of couples therapy. All three paths are looked at honestly and mostly individually as you are each likely in different places. I will respect your reasons for divorce, while also exploring the possibility of restoring your marriage to health.
Couples who have been through this process gain a deep understanding of themselves and their marriage regardless of the result. If you chose to work on the marriage, you will have a much deeper understanding of how to do that. If you choose divorce or separation, most couples are able to go into that process with less anger and a greater understanding of themselves that they can take into their future lives and relationships.
The decision to end, work on, or maintain the status quo in a marriage is one of the biggest you’ll make in your lifetime with far-reaching consequences. Discernment Counseling can slow things down so you can move forward with confidence.
Perhaps you’d like to try Discernment Counseling but still have some questions or concerns…
We’ve done couples therapy and it didn’t help, how is this different?
Traditional couples therapy often does not work with “mixed agenda” couples where one is leaning in and one leaning out of the marriage. Putting the leaning out partner in the position of having to work on the marriage usually just results in frustration for everyone. I’ve had extensive training and experience in this newer, proven method where we’re not looking for change, but only to explore if change is possible. Furthermore, couples who decide on couples therapy after Discernment Counseling, have a much different experience having gone through this intense process of learning about themselves, what happened in their marriage and developing a more specific personal agenda for change.
Counseling is expensive and we need to save our money if we decide to divorce.
Discernment Counseling is time limited, just 1-5 sessions. Unlike in traditional therapy that has no limit, you will know the total possible investment before beginning. Furthermore, couples who do move forward with divorce after Discernment often find that they are in a more collaborative, less conflictual place which can decrease legal expenses and the chance for litigation.
What if one partner is having an affair?
Active affairs complicate things and most couples counselors will not proceed with traditional couples therapy if there is an ongoing affair. Discernment Counseling, on the other hand, allows for and has specific protocols for active affairs in some situations as we do not have an agreement to work on the marriage and so do not require the same level of vulnerability in front of your partner. I approach this on a case-by-case basis. If you’re having an affair and aren’t ready to tell your partner, we can talk about that non-judgmentally in individual therapy.
Do you offer support once the five Discernment sessions are done?
Yes, for clients who chose to pursue couples counseling, I can often provide that counseling if they’d like depending on our schedules and availability. For clients who chose to divorce or separate, I offer co-parent coaching and a safe place to ask general questions about the divorce process. As a former facilitator of the Parenting Education Program (PEP) required to get a divorce in Connecticut, along with years of working with families and my own personal experience, I’m trained and knowledgeable in coaching parents to proceed in a way that is as healthy as possible for their kids. I’m also happy to begin individual therapy with one partner to help heal if couples work is off the table.
Find a path forward with Discernment Counseling
The decision to divorce is almost never an emergency. I can mindfully and methodically guide you in gaining the confidence and clarity you need to get unstuck and move forward in the direction that’s right for you. Contact me to learn how I can help you begin this new journey.