IS ADHD CAUSING THE ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE?
ADHD is affecting your relationship
When the same issue keeps walking into my office day after day, I can’t help but sit up and take note. Lately, it feels like I am talking to couples every day about ADHD. Is it coincidence or is it that ADHD wreaks havoc on marriage? I’ve been aware of the correlation for years, but this influx caused me to do a deep-dive into the subject. What I found is that the research and the experts validated and made sense of what I’m seeing in my office. It turns out that ADHD does impact marriage and it does so in some very predictable (and frustrating) ways. Before we blame the ADHD partner, however, realize that both partners play a role in creating the marital issues and so both will have to work to fix them.
First, let’s look at some ADHD FAQs
Kids who have ADHD get 20,000 incremental critiques by the time they’re 12.
60% of relationships where one partner has ADHD are struggling.
80% of adults with ADHD are undiagnosed.
ADHD is genetic. A big warning sign is if someone else in your family is diagnosed.
Common Symptoms of Adult ADHD
Chronic distractibility
Difficulty planning
Time management issues
Emotional dysregulation (including sensitivity to rejection)
Impulsivity
6 Ways ADHD is Affecting Your Marriage
When you look at the common symptoms, it is easy to guess how they might affect a marriage. Here are 6 specific attributes that tend to show up in an ADHD marriage:
The honeymoon is glorious, but can end abruptly.
During the first 20-28 months of a relationship, aka the “honeymoon phase,” our dopamine levels are very high. This feels euphoric to most of us, but to an ADHD-er, the dopamine calms ADHD distractibility and masks ADHD symptoms the way that ADHD drugs do. Furthermore, the dopamine reward enables the ADHD ability to hyper-focus. When all that energy is focused on the new, non-ADHD partner it feels like magic, like they have met their prince (or princess) charming and they are the most important person in the world. The problem is that once the dopamine wears off (and it can do so abruptly), it is a shock to the partner and they can feel like they’ve been duped. Who is this new, uncaring person they’re with and what have they done with their attentive spouse? They can spend years angrily pursuing the ADHD partner to return to the former honeymoon version. This of course can set up a great pursuer/distancer dynamic.
2. It Feels like the ADHD partner doesn’t pay attention to or hear their spouse. Leaving the non-ADHD feeling unloved and unseen.
ADHD is actually not attention deficit, it’s more attention dysregulation. The attention is inconsistent depending on the reward. ADHD partners can zone out when their spouse is talking to them and forget what they’ve told them. They can seem completely enthralled with something they’re interested in on TV, but not at all interested in what their partner is saying. They might always be late, which makes the non-ADHD partner feel like they don’t matter. They can forget to take the garbage out after being asked 10 times. All this adds up and makes the partner feel unseen, unheard and unloved. This, of course is not how the ADHD partner feels.
3. The non-ADHD partner feels tired of doing everything, the ADHD partner feels nagged and criticized.
In the beginning of a relationship, if the ADHD partner stinks at remembering to pay the bills, it’s understandable that the other person would happily take on that job. If they’re not great at remembering what goes into the kids’ lunches, the partner might take lunch-duty over. If when they pack for a trip, they always forget something important, you guessed it… the partner will start packing. The problem is that what starts out as an understandable “It’s okay, it’s just easier if I do it” turns into one partner feeling like they do everything and feeling resentment for it. What usually follows is the ADHD partner feeling nagged and criticized and that they can’t do anything right. The problem is that most ADHD-ers have had a lifetime of feeling they can’t do anything right (remember the 20,000 incremental critiques above) so this is an especially sensitive wound. Also see my blog post I’m Tired of Doing Everything https://www.jodierindecounseling.com/blog/im-tired-of-doing-everything for more on this dynamic.
4. The non-ADHD partner feels like a parent, the ADHD partner feels like a child in the relationship.
The above turns into what feels like a parent/child dynamic with many non-adhd partners complaining that they have “a 3rd kid” and the ADHD partner feeling like they’re treated like a child. This takes on a life of its own. The non-ADHD “parent” feels they have to take care of everything because the partner is unreliable. The more they overperform, the more the ADHD partner underperforms and turns into the childlike, lower-status partner who will often eventually become defiant and might seek to escape (either through work, an affair, substance abuse, or just leaving the marriage). What’s important to note is that both partners play a role in creating and so also unraveling this dynamic.
5. Anger and resentment.
Over the years all of the above leads to frequent disappointments and built-up resentment. As mentioned 80% of adults that have ADHD are undiagnosed. Without this knowledge, couples think all the above behaviors are purposeful, unfixable, mal-intended. What a recipe for hopelessness and resentment!
6. Sex and intimacy issues.
It goes without saying that all of the above: parent/child dynamic, anger, resentment, criticism, feeling unloved, and exhausted are absolute sex and intimacy killers. Furthermore, there is research that shows that ADHD can contribute to vastly different libidos in a marriage which can cause conflict. Interestingly, people who felt their partners put in the most effort in managing the ADHD had sex 60% more often than those who felt their partner put in the least effort.
How to Repair ADHD Damage to a Marriage?
Remember that BOTH partners have a role in creating the ADHD dance and so BOTH have a role in unwinding it. The ADHD partner needs to manage their ADHD symptoms and the non-ADHD partner needs to recognize and address their role in the overfunctioner/parent role.
What can the ADHD partner do to create change?
First, they need to begin to understand and manage their ADHD symptoms and that is usually by attacking them in multiple ways.
The low-hanging fruit is medication. ADHD medication is very effective and improves symptoms in about 70% of adults. Furthermore, the good thing about ADHD meds is that they get out of your system quickly so you can take them on a day that you need extra focus, but not take them on other days.
Other ways that can physiologically change the brain such as improved sleep, exercise, yoga, and meditation.
Behavioral changes such as reminders, lists, calendars and coaches.
What can the non-ADHD partner do to create change?
Educating yourself on ADHD may enable you to be more empathetic toward your partner and to not take their behavior as personally.
Step back from your parenting and over-functioning. This may include self-soothing your own anxiety and letting go of the need to have things done a certain way. The non-ADHD partner often says that they want the other partner to step up and do things, but what they really mean is that they want them to step up and do the things they want done how they want them done. Part of letting go of the parent role also means letting go of having things your way.
ADHD can play an enormous role in your marriage. The good news is that learning more about it can enable both of you to find more empathy and compassion for one another. It can help you to make sense of what’s happened in the past and to change the future. If you need help navigating ADHD in your marriage and unraveling some of the patterns that have resulted, please reach out to my office today.