How To Apologize
Why Most Apologies Fail
Couples often come to me with resentment that’s built up over years. I remember one couple that seemed stuck on something that happened years earlier. The husband looked at me clearly exasperated, “I’ve apologized a thousand times, it was years ago, I don’t know what else to do.” Even the wife didn’t really understand why she couldn’t get past it, why she still carried around so much anger and resentment. It usually takes about 2 minutes of probing to understand why the apologies never landed.
Well-meaning apologies often look like some version of the following:
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you”
“I’m sorry but…(some explanation of why you did what you did)”
“I’m sorry but…(some description of what your partner did to cause you do do what you did)”
How Do We Learn To Apologize?
Notice I said “well meaning.” The thing is we don’t know any better. We’re all taught from a young age (and then teach our own kids) how to apologize and it goes something like this…
“Tell your sister you’re sorry for ____”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s ok”
“Give each other a hug”
I call that a “playground apology” and it actually doesn’t make anyone feel better. But why?
What Makes a Good Apology?
The funny thing is that the part of an apology that matters least is the actual “I’m sorry.” What your partner actually needs when they feel hurt and betrayed is to be seen and understood. They need to know that you get the pain you’ve inflicted. After all, if you don’t get it how can they trust that you won’t do it again? I like to visualize it as a heavy bag containing all the pain, disappointment, and resentment. Your partner is holding that heavy bag. Until you can take it from them in the form of really understanding it, they will continue to hang onto it.
So, years later we practiced a real apology in my office.
Me: Tell me the things he did that were hurtful?
Wife: I was the butt of all his jokes when we socialized with other couples. He thought he was so funny but it was always at my expense.
Me: What was the feeling?
Wife: I was embarrassed, I felt stupid and less-than.
Me: What else?
Wife: I guess it was worse because we had just moved to a new town and I already felt alone and out of place. Now, I didn’t want to socialize with these women because I was so embarrassed in front of them. That made me feel even more isolated. He didn’t have my back and I felt alone and abandoned. So I shut down to him, but he never knew why.
I looked at the husband
Me: Did you know any of this?
Husband: No, I had no idea.
Steps To a Real Apology
Ask the questions I did to understand your partner’s experience. Get to the softer emotions underneath. This husband was shocked to learn he’d made his wife feel so alone and abandoned by him early in their marriage.
Repeat to your partner your understanding of their experience.
“So when I did those things you felt alone, embarrassed…”
3. Validate.
“I get how what I did would have made you feel x,y,z”
4. Own it.
“I did that, I embarrassed you in front of all those people. I was disrespectful and mean when I should have had your back.”
5. Apologize - now you can say you’re sorry.
6. Ask what you can do.
“What do you need from me?”
You’re Not Two Kids Being Forced To Apologize
Practice the above steps. It might feel forced at first because you’re learning something new. Over time, it will begin to feel more authentic as you’re just trying to understand your partner’s experience and communicate to them that you get it. Remember, an apology never includes a “but” and it never includes an explanation of why you did what you did (unless your partner specifically asks).
Sometimes couples need help getting over past resentments or betrayals. If you feel like you need guidance, reach out to me to see how couples therapy can help.