How to help your kids survive your divorce
How to be a good co-parent
I’m a mom who got divorced when my kids (now young adults) were young so this one hits especially close to home. The bad news is divorce changes children’s lives in every way, ways you cannot possibly predict. The good news is we can lessen the negative effects but it takes knowledge and constant work on our part. This is why some of the most rewarding work I do is coaching divorced or divorcing parents on becoming the best co-parents they can be. All the parents I see love their children and want what’s best for them. Many, however, get caught up in anger and emotion toward their ex and others honestly don’t realize that some of their behavior is hurting their kids.
Putting kids in the middle
The thing I see parents do most often that creates issues for their kids is creating a loyalty bind. Kids need to feel that they can love both parents equally and at the same time. Loyalty binds happen when a child feels they need to choose sides or stay loyal to one parent over the other. This is especially common in high conflict situations and where children are not protected from adult matters.
There are so many little things we can say to either promote or prevent loyalty binds. As I tell clients, it might feel good in the moment to have the kids on your side, talk badly about your ex or their new partner, or want to spend more time at your house, but I promise this will turn around and bite you at some point and it will absolutely harm your child.
What creates a loyalty bind
I used to facilitate the co-parenting class divorcing parents had to take to get divorced in Connecticut. There, I would pass out a list of behaviors that create loyalty binds and have everyone circle which things they did or had done in the past. While some of these behaviors are obviously harmful, others surprised everyone. Take a look…
I make negative comments about the other parent.
I use negative body language or tone when referring to my child’s other parent.
I allow relatives or friends to make negative comments when my child can overhear.
I ignore my child’s presence while arguing with the other parent.
I discuss the character defects of the other parent when my child can overhear. This includes sharing information that will cause my child to see their other parent in a negative light - telling about an affair or a drug problem, for example (even if it’s true, truth is not the issue, good parenting is).
I stress to my children how much I miss them when they are with their other parent.
I ask my child questions about the visit with the other parent. I also ask questions about the parent, their relatives or someone my child cares for (this one is tricky because it depends on intent - are you really just showing interest in your child’s life, or are you snooping and putting them in the middle?).
I say negative things about someone my child cares for.
I discuss child support or the lack of money with my child.
I discuss legal or other adult information with my child.
I ask my child to do things that might feel like spying.
I ask my child to keep secrets that might feel like spying.
I blame the other parent for our divorce or any other circumstances.
I refuse to allow the other parent to step into our home. I will not let my child bring his other parent in our home to see his room or into the backyard to see a new swing set.
At our child’s activities, I refuse to sit in the same row with the other parent.
I refuse to speak or to make eye contact with the other parent.
I refuse to let my child take important items to her other home to show her other parent.
I imply that I am a better parent.
I make my child think I am a victim because of the actions of the other parent.
I send child support checks, letters or verbal messages through my child.
I make my child feel responsible for my emotional needs. I let my child take care of me.
I imply that my child is not safe in some way when she is with the other parent.
I refuse to let my child sit with his other parent at joint activities when he has come with me to the activity.
I block my child’s contact with the other parent (phone calls, visits, etc.) or use screening methods to avoid their calls.
I remind my child that they can choose to live with me when they reach legal age.
Do you put your kids in the middle (even unknowingly)?
Be brutally honest with yourself (but also kind - we’ve all done some of these things!). Do you engage in any of the above? Do you put your child in the middle even if you don’t mean to or didn’t even realize that’s what you were doing? Do you feel competitive with your ex regarding who gets the kids more or who the kids like or respect more? Even if you don’t think you’re verbalizing that, be honest about whether your kids can pick up on that competitive energy. Remember, kids are like sponges and feel things even if they’re unsaid. If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know that I’m encouraging you to look at your side of the street. While of course it could be great if both parents are willing to learn and make changes, but what can you change today even if your ex doesn’t? You can’t control what your ex does, but you do have complete control over how YOU behave. Even if just one of you stops creating loyalty binds the kids will benefit.
What happens to kids who are put in the middle?
I see each of these behaviors over and over again in my practice from parents who really love their kids and would be devastated to think they are actually hurting them. I also see the results of these behaviors as these kids turn into adults and struggle to make sense of a childhood and/or adolescence in which they felt torn between two parents they love. Every child emerges differently, but most often I see the following: depression, anxiety, not trusting their own judgment, difficulty in romantic relationships. Here’s how see it affect their relationship with their parents as they get older: they often feel tremendous guilt for treating one parent poorly and anger at one or both parents for being put in this position. Note that this anger will flip/flop so neither parent gets off the hook. All of these can, in some cases, lead to risky behaviors like drinking, drug use or sexually acting out and/or more serious mental health issues.
There is a wonderful film available on this subject that I encourage all divorcing and divorced parents to watch. SPLIT: The Early Years interviews young children in the early stages of the divorce process. SPLIT UP: The Teen Years follows the same children ten years later. These films give rare insight into what these kids and young adults are actually thinking and experiencing as they navigate life during and after their parents’ divorce.
You can make divorce easier for your children
Divorce is difficult on kids, it will change their experience of growing up and it will change who they become. I am not a therapist (or mom) who believes that kids are resilient and just want to see their parents happy. The truth is they don’t care (nor should they) whether their parents are happy or not, they just want to feel safe and to be kids. And isn’t that their right? We can do things to create a better outcome for our kids even in the context of divorce. Research shows that the biggest predictor of negative outcomes for children of divorce is the way the divorce is handled by the grown-ups around them, specifically the amount of conflict and putting the kids in the middle. The good news is you have control over this.
If you need help navigating co-parenting, please reach out to my office today. You might not be able to change the fact that a divorce is happening or has happened, but you can change the experience your kids have as a result. Remember that they didn’t ask for this and it’s your job to arm yourself with the tools to co-parent productively to give them the best chance at a positive outcome. .