5 FIGHTING MOVES THAT ARE HURTING YOUR MARRIAGE

Fighting is Not Always Bad

When people find out I’m a couples therapist, the first question I often get is whether my couples fight all the time. The answer is sometimes, but fighting is actually not the problem. The truth is, couples need to be able to disagree and, yes, sometimes fight. The alternative is avoiding bringing up issues and sweeping them under the rug. Some of my most challenging couples have a very lumpy rug. What erodes a marriage is not the fact of conflict, but the way couples do conflict. So, what’s the answer? The answer is to accept that relationships go through a constant cycle of rupture and repair - connection, disconnection and reconnection. The answer is to learn how to engage in conflict productively. Let’s start with what not to do..

5 Losing Strategies

Renowned couples therapist, Terry Real, has identified 5 “losing strategies” couples engage in during conflict when they become triggered or activated by their partner (more on that in coming blog posts). I see these every day in my office and they are a bottomless rabbit hole. They can result in couples feeling that conflict gets blown out of proportion, goes on for too long, or never gets resolved. In the long run, this can lead to conflict avoidance and back to that lumpy rug. Full disclosure:  I may or may not catch myself engaging in one or two of them in my own relationship when my partner triggers me and I’m not showing up as my “wise adult.”  Like my couples, I am always learning and trying to do better. The losing strategies are…

1. Being Right

This is when you try to solve an issue by determining who’s correct - who remembered it correctly, whose feelings are valid, what’s objectively true. How did that work the last time you and your partner went down that rabbit hole? I’m sure it didn’t! The truth is objectivity has no place in personal relationships. The relational answer to who’s right/who’s wrong is who cares? What matters is how are WE going to work as a team to resolve this issue in a way we can both live with. At its worst, needing to be right is self righteous indignation - it’s toxic and intrinsically shaming. Lose this strategy.

2. Controlling Your Partner

My clients will recognize this one as invading your partner’s boundaries. Trying to get your partner to see this or that, to do this or that is always intrinsically one-up and condescending. Who are you to tell a grown adult what to do? This can be either direct control or indirect control in the form of manipulation. Control is a very costly illusion. Every single time you may win the battle, but you most certainly will  lose the war. You may bully your way through and get your way in the short run but there will be payback in the form of resentment later on. People don’t like to be controlled. Adults shouldn’t be controlled.

3. Unbridled Self Expression

Venting - “you did this today and a week ago and 3 months ago and 10 years before that…you never, you always.” This is the kitchen sink approach and it will not get you anywhere. Real has an interesting take on why this doesn’t work (in addition to it sometimes just being rude and mean). He points out that functional moves are moves that empower a partner to come through for you, that invite them to change. Dysfunctional moves are ones that render a partner helpless. If you tell your partner what they didn’t do today, they can do something and change their behavior. If you tell them what they haven’t done for the last 10 years, they start to feel helpless and helpless always leads to resentment. What’s worse is this typically turns into “trend talk”...you always, you never. The next step is to escalate to character talk - you ARE selfish, rude, lazy, etc.

You don’t need to express every emotion. Like you do with your kids, you can contain yourself and use a containing boundary. Even though you might have the impulse to scream and yell at your kids, most of the time you don’t because you know it’s not appropriate. It’s not appropriate with your partner either.

Excessive sharing also falls under this category. You don’t need to tell your wife you’ve always been attracted to her best friend. 

4. Retaliation, Revenge

Real calls this offending from the victim position and I love that conceptualization. You hurt me so I get to hurt you and I have no shame in hurting you because you hurt me. The truth is every offender thinks they’re a victim. Real says there is often an underlying (conscious or not) goal that the perpetrator will see the hurt they caused and” get it” now that they’re having the pain inflicted on them. They will finally fall on the sword and apologize. That’s not going to happen. Revenge or punishment will never bring someone into accountability. Although the more unaccountable someone is, the more vengeful we tend to get. Bottom line is retaliation will not get you what you want. Your partner will not suddenly feel horrible for what he’s done. It will just perpetuate the cycle of violence and destruction in your relationship.

5. Withdrawal

This is different from responsible distance taking or time-outs taken to get your nervous system back. Responsible distance taking includes an explanation and promise of return (I want to talk about this, but need a few minutes to gain my composure. I’ll be back in 15 minutes). The withdrawal we’re talking about is refusing to engage. It could be refusing to engage about an issue, withdrawing affection or sex. At its worst, it is checking out and shutting down in the marriage entirely. Sometimes I hear that a partner thinks they’ve accepted or has made peace with an issue, but really they’ve withdrawn. The question to ask is are you resentful? If there is a shred of resentment, you need to move back into engagement with your partner and hammer it out. Withdrawal is not acceptance. Resentment and the gulf between you will continue to widen over time. Too many times I’ve seen that gulf become impassable.

Your Losing Conflict Strategy

None of the “strategies”  above will ever get you more of what you want in your relationship. They will drag conflict out and make it feel like you’re never able to find any resolution. This can feel crazy-making! Take a moment to out yourself. What is  your losing strategy? When the heat of the moment knocks you out of your “wise adult”, what’s the strategy you go to? What’s your partner’s? 

Reach out to me today for help identifying toxic patterns in your relationship and to learn how to engage in conflict productively.