I’m Tired of Doing Everything!
The Most Common Marriage Complaint I Get
*warning: For simplicity I’m going to use traditional heterosexual gender roles in this article because that’s what I see most often. This pattern occurs in the reverse and also in gay and lesbian relationships.
I could feel the tension in the room as soon as they sat down. I had barely gotten out my usual request for an “update on the couple” when Jen launched into a rant about their weekend trip to the Cape and how exhausting it was for her to prepare and pack everything, wrangle their three kids, get everyone ready for the beach every day and dinners every night, etc. “It’s never a vacation for me,” she lamented. Meanwhile, Mike’s body language looked like if he could disappear into my couch he would. This scenario mirrored countless others they had recounted in the previous weeks, “the kids walk right by him to ask me to do something for them”....”he doesn’t even notice the dishes in the sink”...”nothing I can do will make her happy”...the list goes on. The result was they both felt frustrated and alone.
It’s tempting to pick sides - he’s lazy, she’s a nag. Either of those may be true, but that’s beside the point. The enemy here is not either of them, but the interaction pattern or dance they’ve gotten into and the roles they’ve somehow co-created. There are so many patterns we all get into unwittingly, but by far the one I see the most is the overfunctioner/underfunctioner. Regardless of where the cycle began, the more one partner overfunctions, the more the other underfunctions and the more the other overfunctions, inviting the other to underfunction even more and round and round we go. My clients have seen me describe this a million times with me drawing circles in the air…you get it. This pattern also shows up and intermingles with its cousins the frustrated teacher/student, parent/adolescent, coach/athlete, demand/withdraw.
Where Does This Start?
Where does this pattern begin? I remember in my own marriage when our first was born, we set this up perfectly. In our early years before kids we both had high-stress jobs and so split everything equally. Weekends were spent gallivanting through fancy grocery stores in our tree-lined Manhattan neighborhood and learning to cook together in our tiny brownstone apartment. Even laundry was a shared event as we’d get coffee and bagels and hang out at the corner laundromat. We were what I imagined Harry & Sally would be after they got married - roaming around a forever-fall Manhattan dressed fashionably in childless domestic bliss.
Fast forward to after our first baby was born. I had taken a pause on my high-pressure career and spent my pregnancy reading every “What to Expect…” book. By the time our daughter arrived I was a certified expert - THE certified expert. Those early months went by in a sleep deprived blur of him going to work and me doing everything at home. I was exhausted and needed help - but often only in the particular way that I deemed ok because I was the, um, expert. I have a vivid memory of taking dishes out of the dishwasher after he had done them and re-loading them “properly” after he’d left the room. Almost overnight we went from sharing equally in most responsibilities to adopting a very rigid division of labor that would carry on for the next 20 years. I’m not saying this is what happens with everyone, but this is how it happened with us even though we BOTH meant well.
While the pattern needs to be interrupted in the present, it doesn’t hurt to explore its origins. My husband (now ex) and I, for example, both came from families where roles were very traditional. Men did men stuff and women did women stuff. Period. It’s no wonder that we slid right into those roles when we became parents. It also helps to look at how you each show up in different areas - do you overfunction or underfunction in parenting, household chores, work, initiating sex, planning the social calendar, staying in touch with friends and family, family finances? Oftentimes one partner overfunctions in one area, yet the “underfunctioner” actually overfunctions in another. Do you overfunction across the board? Are you a perfectionist everywhere? Do you excel at work and manage a team of 20, but when you get home you can’t seem to get anything right? These are all things to get curious about.
How to Become Equals
The goal is to equalize. Does this mean the person in the underfunctioner role steps up? Does this mean the person in the overfunctioner role steps down? Yes to both. I know it feels like if only your partner would step up or back off everything would be fine. Try instead looking for ways you can change. If you’re in the overfunctioner role, are there ways in which you can let go? Yes, you’ll have to soothe your own anxiety and yes, some things might fall through the cracks at first. Kids might be dressed in crazy outfits and dishwashers may be loaded in a way that makes you twitch, but I invite you to learn some deep breathing exercises and notice what your partner IS doing, not what he’s NOT. If you’re in the underfunctioner role, are there ways in which you can step it up? Learn to scan the environment so your partner doesn’t have to feel so on all the time. Are the dishes piling up? Is the refrigerator empty? Are kids cranky because blood sugar levels are dropping? This is the kind of stuff she can see with her eyes closed. Challenge yourself to develop that superpower.
Have you and your partner fallen into a pattern that’s no longer working? The first step is to notice what’s happening. If you need help identifying and changing patterns so that you can achieve the connected relationship you crave, contact me for couples therapy in Westport, Fairfield and via telehealth throughout Connecticut.