4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Marriage Today
When I meet with a new couple for therapy, I always ask what they hope to gain from our work together. Hands down the top answer I get is improved communication. So, here are the things that I most often see in the couples I work with that you can begin to notice and change today...
Listen, Don’t Problem-Solve
When our partner comes to us with an issue or just to chat about their day, it’s so tempting to problem-solve or “help” them see what they could say or do differently. FIGHT THE URGE! This will usually come up in two different ways.
They’re just telling you about their day or something going on in their life. Just listen and show interest - “Really? That’s so sad that Jen & John are getting a divorce.” That’s all. You’re simply practicing listening, showing interest, maybe a little empathy. Your partner is letting you into their world. Honor that, let them know that you hear them. If they want your opinion or help, they’ll ask.
They come to you with a problem. This one is tricky because it seems like they want your help to solve it, right? Not necessarily. “My boss is a jerk” or “The baby is really exhausting me.” Your knee-jerk response would probably be “Maybe you should...(fill in the blank).” STOP, not so fast! “Solutioning” might come down the road, but first validate, empathize, let your partner know you’re interested... ”That sucks honey...what a jerk...tell me more..” Here’s where it gets dangerous. Your partner might just want to vent and know that you’re listening. They also might want your help in finding a solution. How can you tell the difference? ASK. After listening and validating, you can simply say, “what do you need from me?” or “can I help?” or “would you like my opinion?” If they say they could use some help, then you have their permission to gently offer constructive (never critical) advice, opinions, feedback. If not, BITE YOUR TONGUE! Offering unsolicited advice will never work and can seriously backfire, even though you and I know you have the best of intentions. It’s a boundary violation (more on that next).
2. Don’t Cross Into Your Partner’s Boundaries
This concept blew me away when I learned it and I always see the lightbulb go off with clients when I introduce it. You see, we assume that we get to comment on anything and everything about our partner just because they’re our partner. This can look innocent like “honey I don’t love that haircut.” It can look like mind reading or being the expert on our partner, “I know why you do something.” It can look like coming up with labels and diagnoses, “you’re ____ because your dad was ____.” It can look like trying to get them to do something like seeing your kids the way you do or changing their relationship with their family. It doesn’t matter if you’re correct or if you have the best of intentions, boundary crossing will lead to unresolvable conflict. You are each in charge of your own thoughts, feelings, agenda for individual change, how you see the world, your values, how you see your personal goals, your relationship with your kids and your family of origin. It might sound counterintuitive, but your best chance for intimacy (and that’s what most of us are looking for) is when your boundaries are good.
3. Start Conversations Gently
The work of famed couples researcher John Gottman tells us that how we begin a conversation will determine how it ends. If you want to bring something up with your partner, especially if you know it will be touchy, follow these rules:
Start gently, don’t blame
Use “I” statements
Describe what’s happening, don’t judge.
Talk about what you need in positive terms - state what you want, not what
you don’t want.
Be polite
Show appreciation.
Basically, begin to put some thought into how you start a potentially difficult conversation. Instead of, “Do you not see the pile of dishes in the sink?” Try, “I know we’re both busy, and it would really help if you could do the dishes when you get home before me.” The first statement automatically puts your partner on the defensive, the second enables them to respond to a legitimate ask. Also, the second statement is just nicer.
4. Avoid the 4 Horseman
John Gottman’s research also revealed the 4 toxic communication styles that can accurately predict which couples will end up divorced. The good news is that these all can be changed. The first step is to notice when you engage in these communication styles and then to practice showing up in a different way.
● Criticism - verbally attacking personality or character. Instead, try soft startup strategies above.
● Defensiveness -deflecting responsibility, shifting blame, making excuses. Instead, try not to take feedback personally. Take a deep breath, listen to your partner’s complaint and see if there’s an opportunity for change or to apologize, validate,or show remorse.
● Stonewalling - withdrawing to avoid conflict. This is usually an automatic trauma response. Instead, try to self-sooth with relaxation techniques to calm your nervous system and try to stay present with your partner.
● Contempt - attacking partner’s sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse. This can include eye-rolling, sarcasm, heavy sighing or mumbling under your breath. Instead, try to regularly show respect and appreciation with things like affection, compliments, catching your partner doing something good.
Change Your Own Behavior First
Notice where you can change your own behavior to make a change in your communication patterns. In other words, stay in your own lane and don’t weaponize what you’ve learned here. Notice when you are crossing into your partner’s boundaries, for example, rather than accusing them of crossing into your’s. You and your partner have probably been engaged in your particular communication dance for so long that you don’t even notice what you're doing. The goal is to notice your own dance moves so you can change them individually. When one person changes their moves, the dance cannot continue in the same way. This will take time since even once you change, your partner is still used to responding in a particular way. If your partner is open, you can share this article to begin the dialogue. Of course, couples therapy can help you both to identify and replace negative and unproductive communication patterns with a trained and neutral third party.
If you and your partner are struggling with communication, reach out to me today to discuss how I can help.