How to Recognize Unhealthy Patterns in Your Relationship
Couples often struggle with communication. In fact, unhealthy communication patterns can be the root cause of countless relationship problems. An inability to communicate in a mature, patient manner can spell out the end of a partnership.
Maybe you and your partner have been having trouble communicating openly lately, and attempts at honest conversations often end with fighting. If you want to change the way you communicate, you need to recognize the patterns that you’re falling into.
What kinds of communication patterns indicate that a relationship is in trouble? And why are these patterns so destructive? Here are a few warning signs that you and your partner are falling into unhealthy patterns.
Criticism
Criticism refers to personal attacks on your partner. Yes, everyone has to gently criticize their partner sometimes, but you can do this with compassion rather than malice. Criticism turns from constructive to harmful when one partner directs their anger about a particular situation towards their partner’s character.
For instance, when both of you are in a stressful situation, and your partner places the blame on you and insists that incidents like this are “always” your fault, it’s a problem. Criticism often involves hyperbole: one partner might say that the other partner “never” helps, or that they are incapable of getting basic things right.
Mean-Spirited Comments
Playful teasing is normal in a healthy relationship. If you’ve been together for a while, you and your partner probably poke fun at each other’s quirks. But when one partner makes comments that indicate genuine contempt towards the other partner, things have gone too far.
Criticism can sometimes be unintentional, but expressing contempt differs from criticism in that it often done purposefully with malicious intent. One partner wants to hurt the other, so they make comments they know will strike at their insecurities.
They might call their partner names, bring up topics that their partner is sensitive about, or comment on flaws and insecurities that they know their partner feels ashamed of. They might take information that the other partner shared with them in a moment of vulnerability and turn it against their partner.
Basically, these mean-spirited comments are an attempt to force the other partner into agreement or compliance.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness towards your partner can signal that their concerns don’t matter to you. It can come across as self-centered.
For instance, if one partner asks the other why they didn’t do a particular chore that they said they would, responding with defensiveness is the wrong tactic. The other partner might respond with annoyance, criticize their partner, or bring up a time in the past when they had also forgotten to do a chore.
When your partner brings up a concern, it’s best to give them time to say what’s on their mind and consider it seriously. This shows that you respect their opinions.
Stonewalling
Giving your partner the silent treatment is not the way to handle a conflict. There is a difference between telling your partner that you need a little time to yourself to cool off and think and stonewalling them. This is normal and healthy for both partners.
But when one partner gives the other the silent treatment, they shut down the potential for communication, compromise, and problem-solving.
Sometimes, stonewalling can involve not speaking for days on end. This sends the message that one partner is not interested in repairing the relationship. Stonewalling damages the connection between a couple.
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Are you and your partner struggling with any of these unhealthy patterns? Couples therapy can help you repair your relationship. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session.
